Today marks 20 months since the accident. Twenty months since my beautiful baby boy came into this world. Today as I sat in the sanctuary of the First Presbyterian Church for the first class of my bible study year, I remembered sitting in the front row of the same pews those 20 months ago listening to eulogies of my husband. I wasn’t in a pew even. My broken self was still in a wheel chair. My barely week old baby was held and quieted by my loving family. My boys sat in the pew next to me, in shock, confused, destroyed in many ways. We looked at a more than life size photo of their dad as the pastor read my words followed by beautiful tributes from his brothers. It was surreal. I am not sure I had even come out of shock.

I remembered how I had worried I wouldn’t be able to return to bible study, maybe ever, because of the haunting funeral memories it might stir. And I did struggle last year. I remembered the pews filled with family, friends, coworkers, people I hadn’t seen in years. And as those memories sat on my heart…I found myself feeling peace. The peace that although our big moments bring us to church to celebrate, to gather, to worship, to fellowship, and to mourn, church is merely a building. It is not defined by our memories of the day to day, it is a community center which is renewed daily to meet the needs of God’s family. And within the walls we are accepted – even when we can’t accept ourselves.

I saw a friend and neighbor across the aisle and went to hug and hello her. I found myself talking about where my life has come to now. I am in an amazing and exciting place. I am engaged and getting married in 2 months. I am purchasing a home…the first home I will ever own! And I am moving my family to another state (not too far, but we cross a border) in the next month. I am gaining 4 step children whom I adore. We are living big and crazy lives, and the adventure is just amazing at every turn. I said the words “I have so much joy, sometimes I feel bad about it.” As she looked at me with the expression of no way Jose, we all think you need some joy, I quickly followed it up with “but I figure I should take the joy when I can get it.”

That is the challenge. Taking the joy without guilt, without fear, without doubt. My fiancé and I recently discussed happiness. I asked him “is it ok to be this happy?” He of course said it is ok. I also asked “does this mean something bad is going to happen?” For that he didn’t have an answer, of course. No one does. He repeated “it is ok to be this happy.”

In the wake of the death of my father-in-law just a couple weeks ago…I have seen first hand how grief is a learned expression. We live it so we learn to live with it. And as my mother-in-law prepared to go home after the services, I could see that her future would include many moments of being reminded she was alone. Whereas I would go back to my life as usual, relatively unaffected on the day to day by his loss. The opposite of what happened when I lost my husband, her son. I am now one of the people I scoffed at for not understanding the full influence of my loss. This is just one of the many lessons these trials have taught me. We cannot all be directly affected by all the loss around us. Some of it is big, some of it is small, and some of it goes unnoticed. I believe our experiences are used to shine lights in dark places whenever we can. My joy was rejoiced by the family gathered for the funeral services this last week. A small light in a dark place.

My light shines whenever I tell my story as people’s shock turns to awe. And I don’t mean that in a conceited way. I take little credit for being able to weather this storm…it was not on my own. There were and are many carefully placed people who have helped me through my darkest days. And I have held fast to the promises of provision and even blessings. And when I tell people where I am now, they almost can’t believe it.

As time has marched on, I am not the public widow I once was. I am not known by the hundreds of women in my bible study anymore…just the handfuls that knew me well and helped to carry me. I am grateful for that. And as we move to a new community and build upon our foundations in a new life, I am excited for what God has in store for all of us.