So I am single, and no this is not just occurring to me now, but it is more relevantly how I describe myself these days…I am single, and maybe I don’t hate it that much. I mean I can’t have the old life back, so this seems ok. I am comfortable being on my own. I have a good routine, a whole closet to myself, all the storage in the bathroom. And its not as much work to be single. So maybe this is where I will stay. Comfortably alone.

Only, if I am being truly honest, I am not all that fond of being alone. And I do realize that I am not alone, my kids are here. They keep me company and busy. But I am a parent-parent, not a friend-parent. Its sort of how I think things should work with kids. I don’t think they need (or want) to be the people to listen to me drone on about some opinion I have. We talk about their days, and school, and fun things coming up. But we keep it to the kid life stuff.

I miss having someone to cook dinner with, digest the day with, discuss the latest craziness in the world with, and tell my silly thoughts too each night. I miss someone to text when I see something YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE! happening throughout my day. I miss planning snowboard trips and camping weekends. I miss watching television with someone…I am not sure if I even care that I would have to compromise on the show.

The dating world is a crazy place over 35. I think there are plenty of single people out here. But I am living in a bubble of “mommydom.” Everywhere I go, some or all of them are with me. And let me tell you a grabby baby on the hip or that same almost toddlers pudgy legs sticking out the front of the grocery cart (no matter how cute!), doesn’t exactly scream “I’m single” or “you know you want to talk to me.” Why is it that babies are chick magnets for single dads, but force fields for single moms?? And if you do decide to talk to me, lets face it, you’re probably married and being nice to the lady who reminds you of your wife, as I herd cats and keep the baby from pulling everything off the shelves.

The flip side of this is online dating. Oh there is a lot of interest, and everyone knows the basics about you right away and you them. So, its already out there. And it all starts with email, or texting. The words exchanged are not really connected to you or the person behind them. All so crazy, we didn’t have smart phones and Facebook the last time I was out here. It’s safe in some ways, but so impersonal in others. I can be really great when I have a delete button before the send button, but in person I am occasionally inappropriate and awkward.  And its so easy to swipe on to something better if it doesn’t seem like it will be the perfect fit. This, I am not used to. When I met my husband we were sort of a square peg, round hole situation and I was very committed to figuring out how to adjust to make things fit. And they did….most of the time. I just knew. And I think sometimes you do, just know. But if you don’t ever get passed what they look like or their “profile” you may never have that feeling. You may miss it completely. You see I don’t think companionship and marriage are about having everything in common, I think they are about finding the commonalities in your differences. I lived so much more fully because I went outside my box regularly with him.

And everyone wants someone with “no drama.” We all have drama, and yours is probably the worst kind because you act as if it doesn’t exist. You can’t even laugh at it. I don’t want someone who doesn’t want drama…boring! In fact, any sort of announced list of “deal breakers” going into a relationship is just ridiculous (minus ax murderers and sex offenders). What broke the last deal, might seal this one. We are different with different people. Our reactions and how we deal with things changes as the person we are reacting to changes.

I find myself feeling like a teenager as I think about dating. Completely losing my personal identity and intellect, batting eyelashes and blushing. I mean seriously…what is wrong with me! I am an adult. I am educated. I am a parent. I have lived through a few things. I got this! Why would I want to be anything other than myself…well…because, I want to be liked. I want to be liked even by the people who maybe I don’t like. But as a friend recently quoted Dr. Seuss to me, “those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.” I need to remember if they matter, they will find my eccentricities to be quirks to love not annoyances to loathe. If they matter they will care what makes me happy and what makes me weepy, they won’t judge my overwhelming emotional personality. If they matter, the things that make me who I am will be the things they can’t wait to find out. And if they mind, well then….you get the idea.

I recently discussed dating with a friend who is also living after loss and he agreed it can seem like upsetting the apple cart to think about dating. And it has taken so much work to get the apples just so. The pile is so precariously stacked, one moved apple and the whole thing goes to pot. Life after loss is fragile, it can be unpredictable how ready you are for the future. It can seem better to guard your heart as it is barely stitched back together and has healed into a slightly off shape. But life is not for the faint hearted. Living is not for the sidelines. So if I have to choose, and my crazy mind will let me…I choose to be open to the next thing.

It would be nice if there were still times and places where I could have the organic experience of meeting someone. And maybe, just maybe, there will be…by some divine miracle. But in the meantime I will be okay. I have my stack of books. My computer. My Netflix. And thats plenty to fill the 20 minutes of alone time I get each night before I can’t keep my eyes open anymore.

A nod to my friend at 3to2girlswin for sparking my interest in discussing all the dating stuff today. 😉