I am truly alone for two days. My kids left for a week at grandma’s yesterday, and my sister doesn’t come in until tomorrow. I haven’t been alone in my house like this. I was immediately the most anxious person in the world. I couldn’t lay down, sit down, calm down. I wanted to clean up, but I wanted to not be reminded of the messes. I showered and got ready. But what for?….seemed like I needed to do something productive. Shopping, watch the game at a bar, get my nails done…something. Saved by the phone, a friend texted to ask me what I wanted to do with my freedom! She was up for anything. And so we did go watch the game at a bar, and some shopping, and got a coffee….and probably most importantly, we talked. She let me talk. I am so humbled when the people God brings into my life land on my doorstep at just the right moment. It always seems impossible. And then it is possible again….for a little while. I went home, had some snacks, watched some Sherlock while texting with a friend and went to bed…and slept like the dead.

The question is am I alone or am I lonely? And I think the answer is both, of course.

I am lonely when I remember this is time I would have loved to have spent with him. I am lonely when I remember that feeling the pressure of a touch from someone other then my children Is unique and special and missed. I am lonely when I think I have nothing but problems. I am lonely when the spiral of thoughts begins to tell me I don’t have it all, I won’t have it all, I am not only alone but also abandoned. Oh the thoughts of a mind on grief. Its like that commercial where they crack the egg…”this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs.” This is my brain, this is my brain on grief. Always focused on the stuff I cannot change because it is confused, it wants things to be as they were…where all is right with the world. Isn’t it amazing that our brains can think and feel this way, while also recognizing they are thinking and feeling in an unhealthy confused way. What an amazing thing the brain is! I mean holy cow! I am so glad I have a brain.

If I think past the lonely feelings and I see myself as alone instead, there is clarity. What makes being alone a good thing, is getting a chance to learn to not be lonely. My life is filled with kids schedules and baby needs most of the time. But inside that I have a life that is mine. I live for them a lot of the time, but I am the best mom when I am also living for me. So I will get to the gym, do yoga, have my nails done, shop, hang out with my friends, and my sister. I will adult with reckless abandon…not having one, two, or three kids in tow with needs and worries, with scrapes and bruises, with ticking timers poised to go off just when I was gonna have a minute. I will sleep. I will laugh and cry. Watch tv shows I love and some I love to hate. I will write and read. I will save analyzing my brain for another day. I am not dealing with all those “problems” right now. Oh my problems are still there, but they can just hang out while I am just being. Loving myself and loving the things that feed my soul.