This is the first post from my blog.  Since launching my blog, life has had many blessings and changes for me, but all the things in life are still seen through the eyes of a woman who lived through all this.  I wanted to keep it here.  Grief is very defining, as it gives us the opportunity to live like we would have never thought possible.

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In the interest of MOSTly full disclosure, I will give you a glimpse into the MIDDLE of my journey. I want to start by telling you about being a middlemost. I am the middle child of three sisters. When we were kids our grandpa liked to refer to us by our rank and file in the family. He called my older sister the oldest, naturally. My younger sister was the youngest, obviously. And then there was me…uh, the middlest?? Well as spell check is reminding me now and I promptly informed my grandpa back then, there is no such word as middlest. After some researching, it was confirmed that in fact, it is not a word. But my grandpa did find the word middlemost, and found this to be even more suitable for me. As I was the MOST fun, brilliant, and amazing sister. Yea right! This is of course, not true. I have two super smart and beautiful sisters that beat me in a “most” contest, most days. Nonetheless, it stuck. And I have ever since been my grandpa”s middlemost. And just this last year, I was so excited that I would be making my second son, my middlemost as well! That’s right I am the proud (and insane) mother of three handsome and active little boys.

So here I am, the middlemost, in the middle of my life. As the birth of our third son was approaching, we were preparing. Sure we were nesting and doing all of the typical things you do when you are about to have a baby. But we knew this would be our last baby and we were preparing for what we were going to do after having kids was what we did. Seems premature, maybe, because we would still have three young kids, but we were planning life. I have always loved writing and have a degree in Journalism. I began to plan this very blog. I was going to wait until the baby was sleeping decent and then launch this mid-life blog. Not a mom blog, a blog about all the things we find ourselves in the middle of. My list was decent. I was in the middle of my life at 35. I was in the middle of parenting. The middle of parenting a special needs child (more on that later). My political views were moderate. I was in the middle of my faith journey. And in the middle of learning to cook, my husband had done most of this for many years. I was in the middle of learning to sew and garden. And in the middle of budgeting. In the middle of renovating our house. I was in the middle of marriage, for better or for worse.

I still am in the middle of most of these things. Yet unexpectedly I found myself in the middle of something much more intense, more consuming, more mystifying, terrifying, crippling. On the way to have our third beautiful baby boy, my husband had a medical emergency at the wheel, resulting in our car going off the road and rolling down a steep embankment.

He did not survive.

My back was broken.

Thankfully the boys and the baby were totally fine. And thanks to some amazing first responders, brilliant doctors, and my devoted parents, I am not paralyzed.

And so, I find myself in the middle of grief. In the middle of helping my precious boys grieve. In the middle of single parenting. In the middle of healing. In the middle of learning to use power tools and lawn tractors. In the middle of raising boys to be men – not knowing what its like to be a man. I am in the middle of making new friends, finding new ways to enjoy life, and learning family hobbies I can handle on my own. And as time goes on, I am hopeful I will be in the middle of dating for the first time in 15 years and in the middle of falling in love. I am in the middle of holding our families together. And in the middle of finding a new purpose and maybe career. I am in the middle of this moment, and then the next, and then the next. One breath at a time, one moment at a time, one day at a time.

I know you are in the middle of a moment too. I have found so much comfort, love, and support in sharing these moments with others. I hope you can find some of that, along with some laughter and smiles here with me on the middlemost! Welcome. I am happy you’re here.