I’m having a fat day. Nothing feels good on my body that doesn’t have “stretch” in the name.  I am using all the contouring tricks I know, and my hair has extra volume. If I wore Spanx, this would be a Spanx day, but I kind of have a rule against hating my life due to discomfort.  One of the reasons thong underwear are also a big N-O for me.  I mean yes, your butt looks amazing and way better than mine, but I just can’t do it.  And I am here to tell you, God is good even when I’m having a fat day.  He sent me a reminder in His word that no matter how much lipstick I put on this…girl…I won’t win at life by being a beautiful size 6.  And might I add I have not been a size 6 since I was 6.

It’s advent, so I am more readily in my Bible at the moment, and God had me flipping those pages to the end of Proverbs today, the verses that are affectionally known as the “Proverbs 31 woman” (Proverbs 31:10-31).  Have you read about the Proverbs 31 woman?  If you haven’t you should click here and do that right now! Then come back convicted and maybe a little terrified. I’m not sure any Christian woman can read this and not feel convicted, and by convicted I mean wholly inadequate. I mean this woman is super woman, made of grit and steel, but also soft, gentle, dignified, and worth more than rubies.  I can’t be this woman…who can be this woman?  I don’t think we are meant to be all things to all people, but that is a longer discussion for another day.  But today what really shot an arrow into my heart was this verse:

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30 (NIV)

This “wife of noble character” (31:10) may or may not have been beautiful, it doesn’t really say.  What it does say is her beauty does not define her.  Not only does it not say she is beautiful, the author wants you to notice her appearance is not mentioned at all beyond the clothes she wears.  This is not oversight, this is the point of it all.  This isn’t earth shattering, but I needed to hear this today.

I recently went to the doctor and they did what they always do, weighed me. I haven’t had a scale give me that kind of stink eye since my last pregnancy.  It was the kind of thing your heart almost skips a beat for.  I was looking to see if the nurse had her foot on the scale too, maybe its a joke.  Nope.  Not a joke, totally me in all my glory.  This weighted moment gave me clarity around how this conversation with my doctor was going to go. 

Before this appointment I had been grappling with what I wanted to ask of my doctor: 

Did I want to try to find a different medication for my anxiety? The anxiety medication I started taking a year ago has weight gain as a side effect, but I didn’t realize that would mean I would just gain and gain and gain.  Gaining to the point where I don’t like who I am physically right now.

Or maybe I wanted to try to quit medication all together?  This seemed like a stretch.  For the first time in a long time, I don’t obsess over unlikely scenarios and other peoples “likely” thoughts.  I have been freed of feeling as though I am the problem, or I am somehow not right, or even that I am crazy. 

Or do I want to keep going along this way and hoping that I will level off and be able to lose weight eventually?  I mean, I work out a minimum three times a week, I don’t eat that crazily, and nothing about my daily intake habits really shifted.  Mentally, things have been pretty good, but physically I want to skip the mirror, especially naked, and never let anyone take pictures of me again (the camera adds 30 pounds, I’m certain). 

I have chosen door number one.  I am going to try another medication option and keep up with a healthy diet and exercise.  I am hopeful it will help me.  But nothing is a quick fix. 

While I do think finding a way to regulate my weight and my mental health is a good idea, its not crucial to my worthiness and doesn’t change how awesome I am.  This is what God knew I needed to hear today!  I needed to lift my head up and remember I am not my weight.  I am not my looks.  I am not my shape.  Like the woman in Proverbs 31, my appearance is not a measure of who I am.

Do I love Jesus and am I more afraid of a life without Him than I am of a life carrying extra baggage?  Yes. Most definitely. 

Am I strong, hard working, eager, and considerate? Ummm…I try. 

I am a servant. I serve Christ through serving those in my life.  And for now I will do it in this body, my only body, because, well…I have to, AND because I GET TO!  I am sure grateful to be alive, to be walking, to be taking another day in stride. I am not saying I want to be unhealthy or complacent…I don’t. I will sweat more, sacrifice more, and try a different medicine.  These are things I am doing while reminding myself the number on the scale or the waistband of my pants does not matter as much as being ‘clothed with strength and dignity.’ I want to be content with who I am in this season of my life so that I can serve others with my whole heart.  That, my friends, is worth the reward.

“Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.” Proverbs 31:31 (NIV)

Now…enjoy some selfies!