I have read many grief books and widow blogs about the difference between moving on and moving forward. Semantics really…but one is getting over loss and the other is continuing life. I have gone through grief and accepted my life and the loss we suffered. I have learned it does not define me, it is an event that changed me, but it isn’t me. I have gotten over the grief, but I know his loss will follow the boys and I always. That said, I am continuing my life. I am living, and living fully. So…I am moving forward.

If you had asked me 6 months ago if my heart could love again, I would have said…not like before. I would have told you a tale about the once in a lifetime kind of love and the friendship I had that could never be found again. I would have been wrong. I was wrong. My heart was a broken mess for a while. But the heart is an amazing thing, led by a mind that we can heal.

I have found love again. The kind of love you get lucky to have. A blessing that I am not sure how I deserve, but am so grateful for. I have met someone who makes me smile and laugh. He holds my hand and opens doors. He asks me about my days. He is someone who has all the kids, like I do. He is soloing this parenting gig, like I am. He works hard, is smart, and has ambition. I feel a connection to him, the kind that makes me want to chase him and pin him down…yea that kind. I don’t think he is running, I think he is chasing me back. And it feels good. His voice makes my world seem right whenever I hear it. He calls me babe, m’lady, and gorgeous. He sees me, holds me, enjoys me. His hand is mine to hold. I can love again. I am loving again.

Loving someone is the easy part, really. Its complicated to get into a relationship when you are post loss and solo parenting. There are so many things to consider, many lives intertwined in ours. But what meeting and getting to know someone has mostly been, is awesome. And my best advice to anyone walking this road is to remember that love is everywhere. Do not assume you won’t find it. Don’t give up on having it all because you lost everything in the blink of an eye. Be open to what is next for you, when what is next begins to feel good.

Now I want to stop here and say…this is important!!  It is important what comes next feels right…because there are times when loneliness can fool you into believing you are ready for what is next before you really are. You will miss a warm body, a companion, and an intimate partner. Things you will maybe be able to find in some unsuspecting or more than willing soul, but if you are not ready…it will only create heartache and confusion.

So know yourself, find yourself, live your loss, and when you come up for air and feel the victory of wanting to live fully again, then you can be open to what is next.

Even then, it won’t always be easy. You will find that with love comes guilt, fear, even sadness at times. I can’t tell you how many questions I have asked myself. Is this fair? Do I deserve this? How can I have these feelings when he doesn’t get to live at all? How can I feel this level of joy without him? Did I not love him enough? Is this acceptable? What will people think? What do people think? How can I tell people I am happy again?

How? Why? What? AAhhhhhhhhh!!!!

The questions can be endless.

But the answers are solid and few.

Yes! I deserve this. I deserve happiness, joy, love, life, and a future. I do. I didn’t choose this road, and I haven’t forgotten all I had. But I have learned to put that life in a place where it is a fond and wonderful memory.

Yes! I can have these new and wonderful feelings. And I can still share his greatness with his children, with his family, with our friends, and even some with my new love. I haven’t forgotten him. I will not forget him. And I loved him with all I had. But I don’t ache for him, for us, for the past anymore. I do feel pangs of sadness when the boys have special times and he isn’t there. I do wish he could give them hugs and smiles. But I know they are getting hugs and smiles. And I am giving them as much of his memory as I can.

No, there is nothing wrong with me. I feel content. I feel strong. I feel independent of the weeping widow I once was. I am not forever her…she is always a part of my story…but she has become this new woman who lives for now.

Yes, this is acceptable. I gave it all the time I needed to give it. Did you read that right? All the time I needed, because everyone walks through grief at a different pace. What worked for me may be too soon for some, or even too long. Its not a game of time, its a matter of finding your way through the grief. Being ready for the next chapter of your life. Your “chapter two” as the widow community refers to it.

And finally, what people think is irrelevant to what is right for me, for us. But if I am being totally honest, all the people that matter, think it is awesome. They are happy for me, they are happy for us. They wish me the best, they always have. But I think what is most important is that I am happy, and I am. I am happy and it shows. In fact, I can’t hide it. How can you not support that?

So when the questions drone on in my mind…I remind myself of all these things. And I see the blessing. I am ridiculously grateful. I let myself feel the joy. And I want to get lost in the eyes of the man who has stolen my mended heart. It is a wonderful miracle to be given a second chance at life and love.

And to the man who is my miracle…I love you.