In my post about being single (now written 4 months ago), I mentioned I am ready to date again. Well, I am dating again. Much to my surprise, very happily dating again. Things that have taken me time to be ready to share here. However, it occurred to me some months ago that I may seem challenging, or difficult to understand, or at the very least a gamble, because I am a widow. It might be confusing or seem impossible to become the next person that I give my heart to. So…to the man who may come next, or may wonder what coming next means….this is for you.

Dear Love,

I want you to know that I am capable of loving again. I am capable of loving well, loving hard. I am someone who falls into the deep of love, and can’t get out. I want to be there again, and I know I can be. I am also someone who loves someone I lost. A piece of my heart has gone with him, and I think of him often. I am raising his children and honoring his memory and all of his love for them and for me. We grew up together and we knew all the little things. Our partnership was unspoken for the most part. We functioned as a team. We had dreams, we had hopes, we had a future planned.

I still struggle with losing that planned future. I haven’t yet made new dreams. My hope is simply embracing my new life and all the things that will come with it. I do love myself and my children and I have found an unexpected joy in living again. I am whole, and our family is complete as is, but I want more. I choose that because I love, love. And life is better with a best friend by your side.

I still cry for him and for my kids. I cry at big moments and events in our lives. I cry at the little things. I cry unexpectedly. I can’t control that, nor do I want to. I know it will evolve as time passes and I find new reasons to both smile and cry. But I don’t want anyone to ever ask me to quit crying, to quit remembering, or to quit loving someone I never meant to lose.

If you find me worth loving, you will understand how my heart is split. You will hold me when its hard and give me space when space is easier for both of us. And you will return from that space and give your love and affection freely. I will not owe you an explanation, and I will be happy to be right where I belong with you.

I will tell you often how much you mean to me, because I never want to miss a chance. I will worry about you, but not because I feel I can change things, but because I know I can’t. I will want to go on the trip, invest the time, make memories, take risks, and spend the money. I will not wait to live. I will choose to be happy and want you to do the same. I will be happy to have someone who learns all the things about me that are endearing and annoying. I want to learn all those things about you. I will sit and dream with you. I will tell you how much I hope for. I will plan a future with you. I will live that future with you.

You must realize that every first my children experience is a first he is missing and I am missing sharing with him. I will see him in these moments more than most. But I will be happy to have you to share them with. I can beam with pride by your side as a tear escapes and runs down my cheek. I will be glad when you wipe it away with a kiss. I will be grateful for your arm to hold as we walk into a room or down the street. I will find some streets remind me of things I hadn’t thought of in a while and I may take a moment to breathe in the past rushing back. But I will let it wash over me and drift back to where it came from. And I will look at your face and feel recognized, acknowledged, and safe. We will walk on together.

I am all the things many women are, but I am also a survivor of the deep grief of a broken heart. It has changed me. I have room in my heart to love many. Please don’t be jealous, or feel it is impossible to live up to a dead man. I am not comparing you. He was a one of a kind man. And you are too. I want what we can have. Not what I had with him, I know its not something that can be replicated. I don’t want to replicate it. I want something new. And I am not that girl anymore. I love her too. I miss her too. But I have become someone new. Some of who I was and thought I had lost, has returned. And some of what I was, has been lost. I feel I am braver. I am stronger. I smile bigger. I laugh harder. I seek experiences. I never look past the view. I recognize the flowers blooming in the cracks. I savor a sunrise. I love my three boys to the moon and back. I cry in great sobs at times, and in quiet tears at others. I know bad things happen. I know nothing is guaranteed. I don’t sleep well. I have tough dreams. I still love coffee and wine. I am afraid when riding in the car. I am passionate. And I promise to always try.

Don’t be afraid to love me because I am a widow. If you think I am worth loving, you will find the fact that I am a widow has made me what you are looking for.

I love well. I am capable. And my love is the forever kind, if I decide you are worth it.

Love,
Jill