Mom, Mooooom, Mommmmmy

These are the names they call me. The constant requests for assistance, for drinks, for snacks, for permission. I frequently want to change my name and not share it with any of them. I want to be someone other than mom. Especially in the moments where it seems all of the things need to be done at the same time. Like coming home a little later than normal from a school event. Which means the baby needs bed now and the big boys are demanding bed time snacks and one last show. Mom, I need milk, mom can I have a popsicle, mom I want to take a bath. Just give me a minute. Just let me get your brother all bathed and changed and put to bed then I’m all yours….yours and the dishes that need doing and the laundry that needs folding and the dogs that need their paws wiped and their water filled. Give me a minute. Mom, he hurt me. Mom we need you to set the game to two players. Mom I can’t find my guy. What guy? You know the guy I had before. I don’t know where it is, I can’t fix the game, and keep your hands to yourself. I will be right back. Mom, Moooom, Moooooom. I will be right back.

I don’t want to be mom, I want to run away in this moment. And then…I get downstairs and close the door to the nursery. I cuddle up with the baby and I look down at him. And I find myself begging him to say “Momma.” The word I want to hear from him is the very word I have been running from all night.

I am MOM. The pride I take in this job is greater than any other job or task I have ever had in life. At this point, it is my life. It defines most of who I am and what I spend my days and nights doing. I am the SOLO parent. It can be a tough job. Exhausting at times. As the baby becomes a toddler it is even more exhausting. The climbing, the getting into things, there is no looking away when he is up and on the move. Solo parenting is not usually a job we sign up for. But many people end up in this boat for a slew of different reasons. I am fortunate that I am not having to work just yet. Our schedule limits what I could do and so it has made it a bit easier to just parent and that is good. In the same sense, they are with me always. Much of what I do, is just what parents do. But when you look at it through the lens of always and constantly, it can seem overwhelming.

As a solo parent….

• I am always the bad guy. I have to be the one to say no, to institute time out, to take away, to punish. I have to make sure they understand what is safe, what is appropriate, and what is expected. Whether they like it, or me, or not.
• I am the only good guy. I provide all the hugs, all the touches, all the love, and all the affirmation. And I must do these things even when I need a little space, a little less touching.
• I am the only one who will make sure they are fed, changed, bathed, dressed, rested, and prepared.
• I am the one who decides if they will be in sports, take lessons, or try new things.
• I give permission for play dates and friendships. If I don’t like it, there is no one else to convince.
• I choose our weekend activities and our vacations…or lack there of.
• I am the gatekeeper to my kids. If you want to see them, take them somewhere, be in their life, you have to go through me and only me. So treat me right and NEVER let them down!
• I am a ferocious mama bear ready to tear into anyone who hurts, upsets, betrays, or distresses one of my children. I am their protector and defender. I don’t take this job lightly and it is in your best interest to remember that. I have survived many hard things and I will not back down from a fight.
• I am their NUMBER 1 fan! I want them to succeed, I am proud, and I will not be afraid to show it.
• I am their advocate in school and in life. I am here to make sure they get everything they need and all the support that is possible.
• I must make it to the last eyelid closing every night. I am up when the baby cries first thing in the morning, or maybe middle of the night. I must be available to my limits and beyond. Always.
• I drive the car…everywhere we go – and back.
• I have to schedule all of their well visits, dentist appointments, therapies, and hair cuts. And then get them there on time, fill out all the paperwork, and juggle all the others.
• When filling out forms, I skip the part that says “father’s name and information.” Every time I must do this, I get a little pain in my gut. It is sometimes worse to be reminded they lost their father than it is to be reminded I lost my husband.
• I miss some school activities because I have other kids to worry about. And when I make it to what I can I am often distracted with other needs and concerns.
• When I am sick, I have to call in reinforcements. I am so grateful to have friends willing to expose themselves to some sicknesses to lend a hand in these moments.
• I am sometimes hated, not liked, and even yelled at…but not for long.
• I am frequently baffled by the questions of “why” and “how.” Because I don’t really have all the answers. I wish I did.
• I have to remind my kids there is no such thing as “normal.” They are perfectly normal and all families look different. No, all the other kids don’t necessarily have dads.
• I am constantly on the lookout for a good babysitter and really enjoy the ability to rely on trusted family and close friends when I can. I have trouble leaving my babies with anyone. I want to and need to, but they are my babies.
• It is my motivation that gets us to church on Sunday and my example of prayer that shows them faith. It is my gratitude for our blessings that shows them to give thanks.
• I worry. I worry they won’t get everything they need. I worry they will miss out on the “complete” life I thought they were promised. I worry I will get it wrong.
• I get to hear all the stories. I get to accept all the hugs. I get to be their hero.
• I have to pat myself on the back for a job well done. I have to remind myself I got this and we are doing good. And there are days I am my own shoulder to cry on when these things are hard to remember.
• I have learned to love what is difficult because it refines me, it makes me stronger, and grows us together.

I am a solo parent and this life is hard, but this life is mine and I wouldn’t give it away if I could. My boys are my past, my present, and my future. They are the heart in my home. There is no greater title than PARENT. And I can’t think of a better thing to be called than MOM. And when the baby finally starts, I will have a melting heart!

To my fellow solo parents who may be reading this, you are doing awesome! Keep being a super hero. Love what is difficult because it is yours, they are yours.