Today is the 13th of February. Marking that my precious little boy is 13 months old. Every month since he was born the 13th has been not only his milestone, but also a reminder of the day our lives so completely changed. This number weighed on me and some months ago I went looking for some peace in the number 13.

What I found warmed the broken pieces of my heart. It gave me something to remember, to hold on to, and see in front of me when what I saw was all the things I did not have.

There are many comforts I found in my search, but there are five that I was most in interested in. One of these being something I knew so well and yet didn’t know its number. So here I will share them with you:

1. Matthew 13:13 – This is why I speak to them in parables: “though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand.

I did not see, I did not hear. I was lost in the heartache and grief. This verse reminded me we are seeing signs, we are witnessing miracles, and we are presented the truth everyday. We must choose to see and hear. The miracles I see now, are a string of events that lead to our fate. It all started a little over four years ago with a natural disaster, a fire. The moment when I realized I had it wrong. I wasn’t living the life I was supposed to. It was a gentle nudge that progressed into an internal nag and finally thoughts that I began to pray about. That moment changed our trajectory as a family. It gave me some of the best days with him. And I am so grateful for these miracles I did not see at the time.

2. Mark 13:13 – All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.

It is easy to find people who make you feel accepted for unbelief. At times it feels silly to even consider believing. It is also easy to find people who whole heartedly believe and can make you feel overwhelmed, who make believing so in your face you want to hide from it. But it is those people I envy. They live in a world, a universe, that is much bigger than themselves. Much bigger than their needs and their ends. They live mocked and even regularly questioning their own beliefs. Finding peace in the answers they receive. And most of all they live tested. I was at church on Sunday and the pastor was an older man. He spoke of many experiences he’d had at prayer breakfasts and other events over the years and it was clear his faith was likely a lifelong endeavor. I wondered, how many trials has he endured? How many times has he wondered where God was, and what He was doing? Probably many.

3. Luke 13:13 – Then he put his hands on her and immediately she straightened up and praised God.

I was beaten down with despair and the idea that somehow I did something wrong. My back and front filleted in the hospital I faced a long road of recovery. A battle through pain and rehabilitation. A mind that had gone to the brink and yet was desperate to show love to my children. I needed His hands. I still think He rests His hands me and straightens me up. Even when I am reluctant to praise Him.

4. John 13:13 – You call me teacher and Lord and rightly so, for that is what I am.

As I mentioned in my post about faith…I lost my ability to trust my faith, and the existence of God as creator and almighty. I question it still at times. Sometimes I think we all do. This reminds me Jesus lived and he did amazing things. But what amazes me is how he lived with compassion and love. He wanted to teach us that the way to be happy, to be fruitful and to be known, is to love. And as a teacher, I learned so much from Jesus. As bitterness and emptiness took over me, those things were lost for some time. This verse showed me I had been taught, and asked me if I had forgotten. I have not.

And Finally, my favorite…

5. 1 Corinthians 13:13 – And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

When I came to this verse it was like a bright light shining in a dark place. This is, of course, among the verses often recited at weddings and special events. In fact, it was the verse I had chosen to recite at my grandfathers funeral. This was before I had really studied the bible. So it was a verse I had chosen out of several that had already been chosen for the grandchildren to read. How powerful it is to remember what remains. I had struggled so much in the battle to not lose my faith, but it was hanging by a thread. I had become hopeless in many ways that my uncertain future could never be good again. I had lost my heart, all my love. And in the moments that I read this, I can’t say the world turned right. But I can say that in the months that followed I learned that love is so big. Love is so great. Love is the thread of life. It gives us hope. It sews our faith. It makes life grand. And I love my babies. I love my parents and my family (both mine and his). I love my best friends. I love my community. I love our home. I love nature. I love words. There is so much love in my world. I did not lose all my love. And because of this love, I have hope again. I have faith in the goodness. I have faith in the purpose. I have faith in the journey.

So go and love one another. Happy Valentine’s Eve!