I am living with a ghost. Not the ghost of my late husband Tony, he is a great and wonderful memory. I am living with the ghost of myself. Who I was when he was alive. I don’t think it’s an entirely new thing to have the past following me. I think we all live with the selves of our prior lives as things ebb and flow over time. We grow up, our lives change, our groups change, we change and we work to leave our mistakes behind. We hope to allow them to be the lessons we learned and not inescapable failures.

We were just babies when we met, Tony and I, a mere 20 and 22 years old. Adults who had not really learned what being an adult was all about yet. We became grown ups together. The kind of people who owned a food processor and matching sheets. And then we became parents together…a job that changed our lives in many ways. We grew closer, the kids grew bigger, the job grew more rewarding, our days grew longer, our nights shorter, our lives became a great challenge to get these little people through another year. I was a wife, a mother, and the manager of our home. I didn’t live in a bubble, but my world was relatively small. My dreams were relatively small.

The person I was then was not humble, but insecure. I worked hard to feel like I was doing my best, but I regularly felt like I failed. The person I was then was not confident, but determined. I knew there were things I couldn’t do and didn’t do well, but I was giving it my best shot. The person I was then was not content, but happy and even joyful. I found so much joy in knowing my hearts investments were people whose hearts were invested in me. I found joy even in my failure, because there was someone to pick me up. But I worried. The person I was then worried about everything. Everything from money to how much salt to put in the sauce. I worried the house would burn down, the car would quit, the teachers would say things were looking rough. I worried. I would say I stressed even. I had trouble sleeping. I was active, but mostly actively chasing my kids around. I loved being outside, but I enjoyed rest.

Its hard not to wonder what my life would be like if things were different.

Who was I?

Who would I be?

This experience has created an opportunity to view things as a clean slate. I don’t have to explain who I was before, where I was before, what I did, what I said, how I acted. I am me…right now. This may seem like a “duh” concept, but for me this is a battle I have fought many times and lost. I don’t see my past as something I learned from and moved on from. When I think about how I feel about myself I often take stock of my entire life. I see it as list of my faults and failures etched in stone and burned into peoples memories. There is no letting the things I did in my youth, or mid-twenties, or late twenties, (maybe we’ll stop there) be things of another person.

They are mine. They are me. But are they?

I don’t think they are anymore. I am not that person…sure that person is in me and brought me part of the way to where I am today, but that person is not me today.

There are many things I want to leave behind. The things that are not influential to my daily life. Things I have done that were not in my best interest or the best interest of others. People I wronged and who have wronged me.  Chances I have missed to live in different dreams. Yet, there are many things about me that have not, and likely will not ever change. Sometimes the fabric of who we are is woven so tightly from birth and through our up bringing it can never really be unraveled. I still have my heart, my morals, my investment in family, my love for words, and my passion for little people.

I am beginning to realize we can never really become better people until we let those old versions of ourselves go. Upgrade our software, knowing it will replace and fix the glitches in our hardware…officially…and forever. That software is outdated. And likely those around us are no longer viewing it anyway. Because it is not who we are in this moment, this week, this month, or maybe even this year.

In full disclosure, this all occurred to me as I sat in therapy running down the list of questions that help to define your depressive tendencies. My therapist was asking me to say where I was right now, in comparison to where I was just three months ago…not last year, not my whole life. Just what, if anything, has changed this last few months. A lot. I discovered a lot has changed. We are always changing and evolving our perspectives. Our hearts and minds seek to heal. Our souls desire to do the right things. We will fail. We will shine. We will change.

I am someone who has changed. And I have worked hard to survive. I am humbled. I am capable. I am content. I am living with great sorrow and great happiness. I am stubborn and indecisive, but I am making decisions…Like. A. Boss.  I am active, because I like to be active. I worry much less about the little things and even some of the big things. I still struggle with stress and anxiety, but I am learning worry will not extend my life, it will only make today less bearable.

I am a mom. I am a widow. And I am someone who can be accepted as I am, without explanation.  And so can you.

Take stock in each day as it comes, not forgetting the past, but forgiving it.  And be who you are today.